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The wish that lost forever.

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Home -> Forums -> Other Poetry -> The wish that lost forever.
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backstreetdreamer
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PostPosted: Monday, 19 October 2009, 8:18 AM    Post subject: The wish that lost forever. Reply with quote

The moonlight painted pictures
On a mist embroidered night,
Like dancers on a curtain
When their movements meet the light,
And each movement masqueraded
With such symmetry and grace,
Every dream that ever wandered through
The smile upon your face.

Then the wine glass that you lifted
Shone with such a crimson fire,
Like the ruby tinted renaissance
Of dreams that we desire,
As a single diamond trickled
From the heaven in your eyes,
And its sacred presence touched me
With a sense of soft surprise.

As our lips met in that instant
I felt such a sense of pain,
Like a wish that lost forever
In the mist embroidered rain,
Where I saw you in the moonlight
And I felt your tender touch,
For I just could not remember
Anyone I’d loved so much.

Then I sensed the curtains closing
And I felt you move away,
As I stood within my silence
There was nothing I could say,
For the moonlight painted pictures
Faded slowly on the air,
Leaving only the impression
Of your presence drifting there…
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Maggie
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PostPosted: Monday, 19 October 2009, 8:28 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, Keith,

I think it's wonderful!!! blob3 blob6 blob3 blob6 blob3

Peggy

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poet1108
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PostPosted: Monday, 19 October 2009, 8:55 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

What beautiful imagery...what descriptive words....what love.... thanks for sharing and brightening my day.... KayD
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Voyager
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PostPosted: Wednesday, 21 October 2009, 0:50 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your metaphors are beautiful.

I have one suggestion, and that's the title/one line in the poem where you write 'The wish that lost forever', I don't know why that' is in the sentence, it doesn't seem to follow on. I think it would sound better, simply as ' The wish lost forever'. Other than that, it is brilliant.

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Deborah Lynne
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PostPosted: Wednesday, 21 October 2009, 5:05 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Keith,

Absolutely beautiful poem!

I would suggest a bit more work on the first stanza as the metre seems to be off in a few of the lines.

Quote:
The moonlight painted pictures
On a mist embroidered night,
Like dancers on a curtain
When their movements meet the light,
And each movement masqueraded
With such symmetry and grace,
Every dream that ever wandered through
The smile upon your face.


I would suggest removing the word And from the fifth line. The seventh line would stand well without the word ever and perhaps adding the word sweet or something similar to the eighth line would work.

Certainly no major over-haul is required on this piece. I am most impressed with your writing. Looking forward to reading more...so bring them on! aiwebs_011

Rapidly-reading-Deb

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MoonStar Rose
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PostPosted: Thursday, 29 October 2009, 20:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Keith!


This was beautiful and i was lost in the imagery. Once again my friend you come through with a winner


Hugs,
Moonie

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Sher49
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PostPosted: Tuesday, 03 November 2009, 17:14 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keith, wow!!!! What a powerful poem you've penned!! It's full of what every woman wants to hear from a man, and the qualities she wants in a man! Sadly many of us never find it though, and we all feel cheated somehow. Splendedly done mate! Keep them coming!

Hugs,
Sherry... Applause


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Wordworx
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PostPosted: Thursday, 05 November 2009, 17:14 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome back, BSD! While your submissions are rare, each one is a gem of supernal poetic expression---like your "Clockwork Butterfly."

Only one suggestion would I offer on the latter part of the first stanza:

Quote:
Every dream that ever wandered through
The smile upon your face.


What would you think of rewording that next to last line as
"Every dream you'd dreamt revealed within
The smile upon your face."

For myself, your use of "masqueraded" is ingenious! wav

Raving Roy

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YourBestRegret
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PostPosted: Wednesday, 02 December 2009, 5:59 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very very good. I loved it. I wouldn't change a thing.

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Poetman
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PostPosted: Wednesday, 21 April 2010, 5:26 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

My kind of write...Very good...James

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