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Suspended silken moments.

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Home -> Forums -> Other Poetry -> Suspended silken moments.
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backstreetdreamer
Young Dreamer


Joined: 13 Aug 2006
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Location: Ashington(England)
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PostPosted: Saturday, 01 May 2010, 8:00 AM    Post subject: Suspended silken moments. Reply with quote

Beneath the silk white billowed sails adrift upon the starlit sea
I stood immersed within a night that seemed to be a part of me,
And on the breeze I heard the sea birds calling in the evening air
Suspended silken moments of a life that we agreed to share,
As all around me seemed to glow in moon transcended silken rain
A shimmering portrait on the clouds that brought the scent of you again,
Then whisper followed whisper of reverberating evensong
Until I felt you rest again within my heart where you belong.


Your eyes held many messages of mirrored sensitivity
Of promises still yet to come, and silent vows of soon to be,
Though reflections don’t tell every tale, and promises can sometimes fade
Like mirrors in a darkened room that lose themselves within the shade,
Yet in your eyes I sensed a dream that wandered silent as a cloud
Between the veils of now and then, like loneliness within a crowd,
But nonetheless I held your gaze, and chose my path deliberately
A long and gently winding road, a sense of what will be will be.


Through my moments, through my dreams we strolled together hand in hand
For love is always confident, though we could never understand
Why reasons grow like storm clouds, or why sorrows lie in shade
Whenever dreams are distant, or whenever wishes fade,
Yet they say life is for learning, so we’ll carry on our way
Bringing thought to every reason, bringing love to every day,
And I’m sure we’ll see a future learning lessons from the past
Bringing dreams cast in reality, where they will always last…
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Maggie
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Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 6449
Location: Eastern USA
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votes: 103
Currently Reading: "Snippets of Life" by Peggy Harwood

PostPosted: Saturday, 01 May 2010, 8:18 AM    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Keith,

A beautiful poem in my opinion!! I know, or believe I know, you write to please yourself, but since you posted this in a critiquing forum and won't use the For Fun Forums, I must give you a bit of advice. Your three stanzas are only one sentence each, and the sentences are too long. One is a run-on sentence which is a grammar "no-no."

Your rhythm is excellent for the most part despite the fact you say you only use syllable count. I think with your exceptional talent, you might one day venture out into writing rhythm using accented and unaccented syllable count. If you ever decide to try that you could polish up this rhythm a bit more.

Lovely poem, and all the words make perfect sense in this one.

Peggy

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"Then he thinks he knows/ The hills where his life rose/ And the sea where it goes." from the "Buried Life" by Matthew Arnold
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backstreetdreamer
Young Dreamer


Joined: 13 Aug 2006
Posts: 49
Location: Ashington(England)
Reputation: 225.5Reputation: 225.5Reputation: 225.5Reputation: 225.5
votes: 6

PostPosted: Saturday, 01 May 2010, 13:48 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would take more care with grammar if I was publishing, but to me the message of the poem is most important, and the frills are just that, besides, without being big headed, I have yet to read any other poetry either in books or on the internet who writes my type of poetry half as good, and that is purely and simply a fact, which is why so many try to run it down, because they cannot write in the same way. Sorry to sound big headed, but they do say honesty is the best policy...Keith.
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Maggie
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Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 6449
Location: Eastern USA
Reputation: 2884Reputation: 2884
votes: 103
Currently Reading: "Snippets of Life" by Peggy Harwood

PostPosted: Saturday, 01 May 2010, 14:03 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not trying to run it down. This"Poetry" is a publishing forum. If you're not interested in being published, please use the For Fun Forums!

There are thousands and thousands of poets better than you. For poetry better than yours, read Matthew Arnold, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Frost, William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, Percy Shelley, Keats, Nikki Giovanni, Whittier, Longfellow, Walt Whitman, Robert Burns, Thomas Hardy, Dylan Thomas, Helen Waddell, Robert Lewis Stevenson, Christina Rossetti, William Blake, James Russell Lowell, Richard Service, Omar Khayyam and any English literature text book. Visit a book store and thumb through some of the poetry books.

Our webmaster says don't use the "Poetry" forum unless you want to be critiqued and are willing to give critiques.

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"Then he thinks he knows/ The hills where his life rose/ And the sea where it goes." from the "Buried Life" by Matthew Arnold


Last edited by Maggie on Saturday, 01 May 2010, 19:36 PM; edited 3 times in total
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Wordworx
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Joined: 16 Jul 2006
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Location: Isle of Wight County, Virginia
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Currently Reading: True Ghost Stories of Ireland

PostPosted: Saturday, 01 May 2010, 15:17 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

This post has been moved from the main Poetry Workshop.

Roy

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I'm just an ol' country boy, trying to preserve a dwindling breed, and a vanishing creed.
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Maggie
Moderator


Joined: 10 Aug 2005
Posts: 6449
Location: Eastern USA
Reputation: 2884Reputation: 2884
votes: 103
Currently Reading: "Snippets of Life" by Peggy Harwood

PostPosted: Monday, 03 May 2010, 19:56 PM    Post subject: Reply with quote

BSD:

Please read the following.


http://www.publisherdatabase.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=297&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0&sid=709eb319640450e07b3e13e1ae892ffc


http://www.publisherdatabase.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=45924#45924

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"Then he thinks he knows/ The hills where his life rose/ And the sea where it goes." from the "Buried Life" by Matthew Arnold
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