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The Distorted Truth

Monday, 31 July 2006, 0:39 AM

[  Mood: Happy ]

What I wished happened to moi today!

The penthouse:

Me and Brad climbed aboard the Angelina (Classified name for our private jet…must find out where he derived that name from?) To a remote shore situated on a secluded Caribbean Isle. Upon our arrival, Brad kicked off his jeans to unveil a pristine, albeit, tight! Pair of male-tool- enhancing Speedo’s. How he loves to showcase his manhood – how I love watching him showcase his manhood. “Hot flush…sweat… followed by palpitations”

Anyway, after he had endangered his nuts, (aka balls). With an over excessive scratch. He decided to lavish me with some extreme care and attention. Picture the scene! Back rub, shoulder rub, oiled legs and summer fun…snogging Pitt in the rays of the sun. Puuuuurrrfect. Then, just when I think he can’t possibly pleasure me no-more. He goes and deals his trump card. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder. (Not bad considering I weigh the same as a baby elephant) like some fireman who was on a mission. It wasn’t until he put me down and introduced me to our new umpteenth home. “A Penthouse On Da Beach,” no less! That I realised I had indeed secured myself the most perfect husband.

What really happened to moi today!

Who's afraid of the Big Gris Wolf:

Gris (Pet name for my better-half - awarded to him on merit because he moans with the benevolence of a bear) phoned me 95 times today, during the course of eight, long, hot, arduous, hours! Not to ask me how I am. Course not. But for the sole purpose of bombarding me with pompous questions, such as! Did ya (you) pay the bills? What are we having for dinner? Did you iron my clothes? Did you take a shower? Did you hangout the washing? How much was the shopping bill? Have you collapsed and died? Men! I’m sure they think women were put on this earth for the benefit of their health. Who invented the penis anyway? With that thing growing between your legs! Is it any wonder they grow to become a class of miserable, esoteric, lazy-ass-oles… I guess not. Wow… no wonder size is an issue with them. It must affect their foetal position…How do the species sleep at night?

So anyway, forgive me going off on a totally different tangent! I managed to persuade the git that everything was cool and under control. The house was still standing and all the females in the street thought hubby was still good looking, well, for his age. (I composed a survey that involved numerous passing grannies for accuracy). Then, finally, I got him off the blooming phone. HALALOUYA.

But that wasn’t the end of the phone saga! Because, as soon as I hit the receiver the dam thing started to bleat at me like a sheep sent for its seasonal hair-cut. Blooming hell, I thought. Shall I leave the dam thing? I sooooo can’t be bothered to talk no-more. I had chap lips already. Anyway, after much debate I decided to pick it up. It was my sister who gave me the weekly lecture on life’s too short, don't worry - be happy. Blah blah. I agreed. But under my breath I was mumbling to myself. (I’m going to stick my neck out here and say something quite controversial) “That would depend on which side of the fence you’re sitting sis. The happy side or the not so happy side…one maybe short but the alternative is definitely long.” Look at all the major influences to happiness: Money as opposed to poverty – beauty as opposed to ugly. Introvert as opposed extrovert. The list is endless, and I’m sure all those factors are detrimental to somebody somewhere with regards to their Independent philosophy and personal beliefs on the meaning and purpose of life…

I ended the conversation with the usual love you lots and in all truthleness I really do. She is one of the best, and she loves me to bits. She still thinks I am a kid, and I guess I am. Deep down…!

2.30 flashed on the video recorder that sits under our 42 inch flat screen television. (Men are definitely compensating for something when they buy larger than average) the sun rays glimmered through my front room window and highlighted an orb or dust particles which appeared to be swimming in the air. I had half an hour left until I had to pick up my daughter from school. Another dilemma was presented to me. ‘Shall I dust the house, or go out for a bike ride with my toddler strapped to my back, on a nifty gadget purchased from Argos?’ Of course I went for the bike riding option. I’m not a complete idiot – and certainly not a jobs worth. So if the choice was yours? What would you have done?

Yea I thought as much, anyway. The bike ride was good, I stayed focused, balanced and happy and had fun with my girls. I got home and guess what happened? Yep you guessed it. “The PHONE happened.” It was hubby again. “Do you fancy going out for a bike ride later,” he said. We can stop at the local pub if ya like. Why yes I said, that would be lovely…

With a man, no matter how good their intentions, there will always be an arterial motive involved…nine times out of ten that motive will lead them straight to a nearby PUB!

Have a great day. Where’s my road safety helmet…yea as if…I might be a mother, and a professional procrastinator. I will even admit to being a doughnut. But the one thing I will not be…is a prized-prat-helmet-head.

L8r’s blog-taters

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Sunday, 30 July 2006, 23:27 PM
Reading, writing, listening to music



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